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Continuing on this trend of having a lot more lessons than we normally do, we hauled out again on Saturday… but this time for a dressage lesson. When was the last time I had a dressage lesson? I don’t even know. Last summer probably? But 1) I wanted Trainer to see Henry in his new bit, to see what she thought, and 2) I’ve been texting her recently about a couple of issues I’ve been having on the flat, and she wanted to get her eyes on it.

As soon as I got on, Henry was pissed off and tense as hell. We were in an arena full of jumps, in his dressage tack, and he was pre-done with this bullshit. He hasn’t felt that awful right out of the box in a long time. When he’s like that he just tightens his back into a board, takes teeny tiny horrid steps, and puts his tail in helicopter mode. All you can really do is push push push him forward, riding him over tempo for a while, and wait until he starts to get more in front of your leg and let go of his back a little. Honestly he used to be like this more often than not, especially in warmup at shows, so I was having flashbacks to Past Henry. Nothing like flashbacks to give you perspective on how far you’ve actually come.

After about ten minutes he finally started to give up a little, and we were able to begin addressing the issues I’d been having. Turns out they were both connected. Who saw that coming? Literally all of us.

My first issue is that I’d been having a bit of a problem getting him to connect as well in the outside rein when we’re traveling to the left. At home I noticed I was overbending him to the inside, and when I started to think of almost more of a counterbend, it was better, but still not quite there. Trainer immediately said “his haunches are falling out to the right”, and I’m like “wow I’m dumb, DUH!” and we starting working on controlling that hind end, almost riding the haunches slightly left. When I got it, he came into the right rein just fine. When I stopped concentrating on where his haunches were, they snuck right again, immediately evidenced by a lack of connection in the right rein. And so we went, back and forth for a while. This’ll take some work and diligence on my part.

My other problem, that to be honest has plagued me forever, is my rogue left hand. As Henry has moved along in his flatwork and his balance and frame have lifted, so too have my hands. Well… the right one has anyway. The left one likes to wander around doing it’s own thing, taking sporadic vacations somewhere near the withers. I can only keep my hands up and even if I concentrate on them constantly. Otherwise, next thing you know, that left hand is down the street at the corner gas station, drinking a forty wrapped in a brown paper bag.

But hey, every time Henry’s haunches started sneaking right, guess what my left hand did? Yup, you guessed it. Dammit.

What we have here is a good old fashioned straightness issue.

When we moved on to the canter it was a little more evident to me, especially travelling left (how did what used to be our good direction now become our bad direction?). After about a lap Trainer said “think about bringing your right seat bone a little to the left” and omg. The difference was immediate and obvious. He tricks me a little into shifting my weight a tad to the outside, which exacerbates that crookedness in the hind end. As soon as I thought more about bring my outside seatbone slightly in, everything got so much straighter and I actually had a horse underneath me. Witchcraft, I tell you.

I was kind of glad that Henry decided to show up and be a turd, because it really brought all the “bad” to the surface and made it easier to pinpoint things. Now I have plenty to work on at home. Maybe we shouldn’t go so long between dressage lessons.

Hillary got a few clips that I threw together into one. It’s awesome to be able to go back and hear Trainer’s words again and see what she’s seeing, so thanks Hillary! Usually if I have any video from dressage lessons it’s because I begged Trainer to take it, which kind of interrupts us both. Being able to see and hear it this way is much more helpful as I move forward and try to work on things by myself.

Oh, and the verdict on the Neue Schule bit from literally everyone is that it’s fantastic. I knew it felt like an improvement, but seeing the video, there’s no doubt. It’s a much better fit for the shape of his mouth, and he seems a lot happier to go to it and stay there (when I get him straight and keep track of that delinquent hand, anyway). The chomping is completely gone, and he’s not diving down behind it and then bouncing up off it like he would do in the KK. Seriously need to write up a full review soon, because Trainer wrote down her feedback on it as well, and it’s gold.

Today is supposed to be one of the coldest of the winter so far, so we might put the dressage to rest until tomorrow or the next day. I feel re-invigorated about it though, ready to take what we learned and chip away at it at home. Our scores have been decent enough since we moved up, ranging from 30 to 34 (with an error), but I know this horse has a really solid test in him, if I can do my part to unlock it. That is my mission. Along with everything else, of course, like trying to get him around 1.10m well, and gallop and jump all the Prelim stuff which is literally big enough for a family of hobbits to live in and technical enough to short-circuit my brain. Ya know… no big deal.

Who’s idea was it to take 3 hard sports and combine them into one?

Although I’ve been giving priority to all of my mindset and mental training books lately, I’ve still managed to squeeze in a few others! One I was admittedly slightly hesitant about, because it’s written by Denny Emerson, and I’ve historically had a few definite disagreements with things Denny has written on his facebook page. To be fair, he’s one of the few top names in the sport who puts himself out there constantly, never shy to offer an opinion, so it’s pretty natural that I don’t agree with everything he says. That would be true of anyone if they shared every opinion they had.

Denny is an indisputable legend in our world though, and I do agree with him whole-heartedly on many, probably even most, things. The importance of conditioning, his stance on thoroughbreds, his dislike of gadgets and harsh bits, etc. So when his new book, Know Better to Do Better, came out, I was curious. The line under the title says “Mistakes I Made with Horses (So You Don’t Have To)”. Which… if that’s designed to pique my interest, it succeeded. Of course I would love to hear about the things that older, established horsemen have learned the hard way. I make plenty of mistakes on my own, I would love to learn from someone else’s lifetime of experience.

When I first started reading through the book, I thought that it was a bit more basic than I was hoping for. There’s a lot about how to choose the right horse, generalizations about different breeds, basic horse management, and all that core stuff. Someone newer to horses, or maybe someone who has mostly been raised in a lesson program rather than coming up through the working student/barn management route, would probably get a lot more out of those sections than I did.

I always love to look at a book’s Table of Contents, so here you go!

Then we started getting into the “Horse Training” and “Rider’s Emotional Makeup and Character Traits” sections, and here is where Denny won me over. Well okay, there was one part where he briefly tried to address the common issue that amateurs have – finding time to ride – that I found really lacking. I don’t really have that problem, but a lot of people do, and I feel like he mentioned it but didn’t actually offer any advice on how to work within a time constraint. That was disappointing.

But in the Horse Training section he talked a lot about the importance of having a horse that is fit enough to do it’s job comfortably, how best to communicate with your horse, tips on handling tense or nervous horses, warming up, clinics, developing a better eye for a distance (spoiler alert, its about the canter), etc. I got a few good tidbits out of this section. Maybe not earth-shattering things, but definitely good reminders that I always need to hear.

The best part to me, and the part that I think ANY rider will get something out of, is the Rider’s Emotional Makeup and Character Traits section. He starts off by addressing the fact that humans are predators by nature, and horses are prey animals by nature, and what this means when it comes to how we interact and communicate. Understanding this, and all that it entails, has been so incredibly vital to me, and something that IMO often isn’t addressed enough in the English disciplines or riding books in general.

He also talks a little about overcoming fear, although I don’t think that part is particularly helpful compared to everything else I’ve read on the subject, and regaining confidence, which I DID find helpful. My favorite section in this chapter was the “Teach Him vs Make Him” part, addressing our mindset when it comes to working with and training our horses… I found myself going YAASSSSS THIIIIIISSSS the whole time.

One thing Denny does always talk about, throughout the book, is the importance of long marching walks and how to put a good foundation of fitness on a horse – something I 100% believe in and do with my own horses from day 1. He’s from the “old guard”, the days of the long format, as well as being a long distance endurance rider, so his opinions on stuff like that should be highly regarded. It’s something we’re losing a bit in the modern day version of this sport, I think.

As you move through the rest of the book, there are sections addressing rider fitness, moving up the levels, talent vs work ethic… on and on. If you want a book that covers a huge variety of topics, this one is it. There are several small inlaid sections about particular horses he had during his career, and things he would have done differently with them if he knew then what he knows now. Stories like that are always super interesting to me, because I’m sure anyone can identify with those “if only” feelings.

As with Denny’s facebook page, there are parts that I don’t totally agree with, but way more parts where I found myself uttering an amen. He’s never afraid to lay it all there and say what he means, for better or worse, and he doesn’t sugarcoat things. Agree with him or not, you can’t deny the fact that Denny is a horseman, through and through. Putting the horse first and being morally and ethically responsible were undercurrents that ran throughout the entire book. Denny also understands that not every rider is or wants to be an upper level rider, and doesn’t think that automatically means they’re “less than”. I have nothing but the utmost respect for both of those viewpoints, increasingly rare as they are. I think Denny is better at seeing the big picture than many of the riders who are still at the peak of their careers.

There were a few sections where I found myself wishing he’d said more, or addressed the topic in a more in-depth way, but in a book with this much variety, I can see how that would have gotten quickly out of hand. Overall I think that a rider of just about any level or discipline would find something helpful contained within the pages of this book. There’s just so much knowledge coming at you from all directions, it really does touch on just about everything.

I love a good blog hop, especially if it means I get to live in Fantasyland!

Viva Carlos wrote: In a silent fit of anger at my job I began day dreaming about what life might be like without my job, not what I would spend my money on (ponies naturally) but how I’d actually spend my days…

I am assuming for this particular exercise that I am somehow independently wealthy, since I am jobless but still able to spend money on ponies? And since I’m independently wealthy, I obviously now have lots of ponies and my own farm. Obviously.

5:30am – Wake up and head to my lap pool for a swim. I like waking up early, I can’t sleep past 6 anyway, so I’d still get up at my usual time. Also I love swimming, especially early in the morning, but hate people near me, so the only solution is my own private lap pool at home. I’d be in it every day for sure.

6:15am – breakfast and an hour or so of wasting time on the internet/blogging. This is one of the biggest perks of living in this day and age, the ability to mindlessly surf the internet and waste ridiculous amounts of time.

7:30am – wander out to the barn. The morning would be reserved for riding.

11:00am – Get distracted and start piddling. Spend an hour trying to fix a gate or brainstorming a new XC fence or dragging the arena, or… shit, maybe I’m just out in the pasture doing donuts on the Mule for fun.

12:00pm – Wander into town to hit the feed store or tack shop. Grab lunch with friends.

2:00pm – Back to the farm to spend the afternoon working with the babies! Because obviously I have my own little mini breeding operation now, with a couple of foals every year.

4:00pm – back in the house to shower and waste more time on the internet, finding out what happened all day while I was outside living my best life. I think Independently Wealthy Me would have a corgi rescue, so I could easily lose an hour or two playing with them, too.

6:00pm – Have food delivered. Probably Indian. Maybe Mexican. Nah, lets say I had Mexican for lunch, so let’s go with Indian food for dinner. Delivered to me because I am lazy like that.

6:30pm – READING TIME. I love reading. Everyone go away and be quiet so I can get lost in a book.

8:00pm – Night Check! One last look at all the ponies/dispense some cookies and pats. Also, now my day is bookended with horses, as it should always be.

8:30pm – Go to bed. Keep reading until I fall asleep surrounded by a dozen corgis.

Damn, I really need to find a way to be independently wealthy…

Way back in November I wrote a post about how I was dedicating myself to working on my mental game. I had noticed over the previous years that I really was not in a good head space when it came to how I approached showing, or even just the day to day struggles that all riders have to deal with. I was putting way to much pressure on myself, I was too negative, and I was losing focus. All of these things had a severe impact on, well… everything… but especially when it came to my performance in the ring. I was tired of letting myself be my own worst enemy, tired of being consumed by anxiety and ruled by emotion, so I decided to start trying to take steps to change it.

I started in what has always been my favorite place: books. Before I could really try to fix what was going on in my head, first I had to understand it. I loaded up on different sports psychology books, most riding-related but some not, and spent a lot of time picking them apart page by page (or with my audiobooks, sentence by sentence). Some of them I really liked, some of them were just ok. But they all highlighted one big thing: I had to learn how to be kinder to myself, how to see the big picture, and how to let go of things that I couldn’t control (well ok, there’s a lot more than that, but those were the big 3).

Whether it’s coincidence or not, I saw immediate results. Right after I opened my first books, I finally managed to put in two solid performances, finishing on our dressage score in both of our fall shows and earning two 2nd place ribbons. Awesome, right? Clouds part, angels sing, you’re done, you win, job complete, ta-da! Yeah no, not so fast. Then Texas Rose came along, and with it, some very complex feelings. The old me would have called that show a test, but now I see it for what it really was – an opportunity to see just how much I had learned so far, and just how dedicated I was to seeing this through.

That show was our first P/T, at the biggest venue we have here. I was pretty intimidated by it, but I also knew that we were capable. I made a bit of a mistake in the dressage (an error) but was able to just kind of laugh it off. Which… that itself is progress. The undercurrent of embarrassment and self-deprecation was still there of course, but I was able to pick out what went well and identify what I had learned. Then we got to stadium. It looked huge, and I was trying real hard not to shit a metaphorical brick. Warmup was kind of a shitshow, and I stepped in the ring thinking “Okay self, you can either feel cowed and defeated by all this, or you can sit up, kick on, and give it your best shot. Now is the time to choose.”. I sat up and I kicked and we got through the course just fine, albeit with 4 rails.

Gah, four rails. It’s really ugly to look at that 16 on paper, right? Plus you feel like kind of an idiot as the jump crew is scurrying around, cleaning up your mess as you walk out of the ring. But does the number on the paper actually tell the story? No it doesn’t. It was our first recognized Prelim showjumping round, on a horse I’ve had for his whole career, and here we were at a level I had never even dared aspire to. If I chose to focus on the result (“omg 4 rails, 16 penalties, great, now we’re last!”), I would have been upset. But if I chose to focus on the journey, and the opportunity that this represented (“holy shit we did a Prelim round at Texas Rose! I made mostly good decisions, and my horse tried so hard for me. Now we get to go home and work on how to smooth out the less great parts, and see if we can make some improvements.”) it was exciting instead. It was funny to me, as I sat there by Henry’s stall that afternoon and considered everything. That was the first time it really registered with me that I could actually choose how I wanted to think and feel about it. I could choose to be upset, or I could choose to be excited. There was so much power in having the ability to choose, rather than in letting my emotions control how I felt.

And then XC rolled around, and a random footing issue resulted in a 20. I remember walking back to the barn after we finished, waiting to feel that blow to the gut. Because, you know… a 20 is failure, right? Kind of embarrassing, especially on a horse that should not be getting 20’s. But I waited and waited, and that blow to the gut never really came. It’s not like I’ve learned anything new here, really… horses are horses, sport is sport, and sometimes things just go wrong. Shit happens. I’ve always known that. But before, I let the things that were outside of my control really get to me, to define who I was as a rider and even as a person. They would eat me alive, feeding on my self-worth, my confidence, and my positivity. I let myself feel so discouraged by random occurrences or one off mistakes. But this time I finally saw it for what it was: Shit. That. Happens. And again, there was a learning opportunity available to me, if I chose to take it.

I have never left a show in second-to-last place and felt satisfied with it in my entire life, until that day. And to me, that illustrates a lot more growth than either of those other two previous shows where things went really well. There’s nothing glamorous about growth, but it’s essential. I learned so much more from the show that looked ugly on paper, and I was able to grind away at those lessons, keep working, and make marked improvements. Which, shocker, eventually DID make themselves evident in consequent show results (if you’re into that “results” kind of thing).

In retrospect, I really needed to have a bit of a rough time. It made a lot of the stuff I had been reading actually click into place for me, and I was able to see things that I still needed to work on, but also the things that I’d already made so much improvement with. It proved to me that I was on the right path, and that this mental training stuff was really something I needed to pursue, for my own sake. I delved back into my reading with gusto, and started talking to more people about the subject.

Around that time Matt Brown came out with his Chronicle series, A Case for Not Focusing on Your Goals, and the subject matter was much the same as what I was dealing with. I was blown away by it, not really having seen a top professional be so candid about the subject before. He had book recommendations too, which I have been making my way through one at a time. Rough times are going to happen, no matter who you are and no matter what you do. Especially when you push further and further outside of your comfort zone, into new territory. They’ve happened before and they will happen again, sometimes in small ways, sometimes in big ways. There is no avoiding that. The difference is how we get through them, and I’m realizing that perspective and mental preparedness are key.

The more I’ve become aware of the mental aspect of riding, the more I’ve noticed the little things that continue to add up. The more people I’ve talked to about it, the more I’ve realized I’m not alone. In fact, almost every single person I’ve talked to has had some of these same struggles, or comes from a similar place. I feel very strongly that this isn’t something we talk about enough, as equestrians. It’s not a discussion we’re having all the time, but it should be. It’s not something we dedicate ourselves to as intensely as riding itself, but it should be. Every rider, every trainer, every owner should have this mental training as a continuous part of their education.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying all this because my brain is magically “fixed” and I’m all better. Far from it. There is no such thing. I have to strap myself in, every day, and commit myself to this, every day. It will probably always be this way. For as much as I have learned, I still have 100 times more to figure out. It’s still very easy to find myself slipping into negative self talk, or comparison, or focusing on the flaws, or fearing failure. Our brains are programmed that way in this day and age, and trying to reprogram it is not easy. It’s a long hard road, and I don’t expect to ever find the end of it… I’m just hoping that it will continue to smooth itself out a bit.

I’m also hoping that by sharing my story as it unfolds, that it helps spark more conversation. I want to talk about this, honestly I need to talk about this, and I want other people to feel like it’s okay to talk about, too. Either way, get ready to see me reference this or talk a lot more about this from now on. I needed some time in the beginning to absorb it for myself and start working things out in my own head, but now I’m ready to start sharing, for better or worse. And if anyone ever wants to have a conversation, never hesitate to hit me up. If you’d rather do it privately, email me or message me any time.

If you’re looking for a couple of books, my two favorites so far have been Braining Training for Riders and Chop Wood Carry Water. That said, Trafalgar Square Books has a really good collection of sports psychology books, if you want to see what else is out there. Something else might speak to you more.

Spending last week in Ocala was an interesting experience. On one hand, I instantly wished my horse was there with me, because it’s such a horsey area and all the big names are there, and there are tons of shows and clinics and schoolings happening all the time. It’s a little like Equestrian Disney World, and the FOMO was intense. On the other hand, spending those few days in Ocala sealed the deal on me never taking my horse there.

For the past few years I’ve been thinking of spending a couple weeks in either Ocala or Aiken in the winter, but after experiencing the heat and humidity that is Ocala, there is just no freaking way that would be an option for us. Henry doesn’t handle that type of weather well, and he would be miserable. He’s a 50’s/60’s kind of guy, and if anything he’d rather it be colder than hotter. So, ya know… maybe some winter soon, Aiken. Or I could just find a job and move there permanently, because that’s what I really want. Texas would be in my rearview mirror without so much as a second thought.

But, for this year anyway, we’re past the point of leaving town for the winter. Our season starts here in mid-March, and we’ve got a recognized show every couple weeks through June in Area 5. Of course, I find myself in a bit of the same position I did in 2017… kind of in between levels. I was waiting until after the second off season Pine Hill show to start formulating a plan for the year, and now we’re past it, so it’s time to start thinking. We’ve got two successful Prelim’s under our belt, and one P/T, but the two Prelim XC’s we’ve done have been on a soft course, and we have very few of those in our area. I don’t think we’re quite “there” yet to go tackle some of the other courses. MeadowCreek’s mid-March show was an option, as their course is pretty straightforward and the track suits my horse well, but with all the rain we’ve had (and continue to have in the forecast), I have some footing concerns. Also Trainer isn’t going to that one, and I definitely don’t want to tackle our first recognized Prelim without her.

We decided instead to go school at a facility up near Dallas that weekend, a place that has plenty of the types of questions that we really need to work on. More technical stuff, bigger, skinnier, requiring more accuracy and forward-thinking. At this point I think something like that will be of more benefit to us as far as growth goes. Not as exciting as showing, but that’s the journey sometimes. Of course, that only leaves us with one possible recognized Prelim left on the table for the spring, after you nix all the big/hard ones that I don’t think we’re ready for. That would be Pine Hill in mid-April, over a new course from the one we’ve already done. I’m leaving that one on the table as a maybe, depending on the weather and how everything else goes. I’d like to go because we’re comfortable there now, so it would be a good first recognized, but if we don’t then I wouldn’t mind saving the money.

Mostly because the big thing on our calendar right now is the two back-to-back Coconino shows in July. We did Coconino in 2016, and then Chatt last year, and I definitely preferred Coconino. Chatt was prettier and fancier, for sure, but it was so disgustingly hot and humid. I felt bad for taking Henry there at all, he was absolutely miserable. Showing him in the summer is tricky, I have to be smarter about it if I want to do it. So back to Coco it is, the land of cold nights and no humidity (and, granted, high elevation). He was a much happier animal in that environment. The ground isn’t as good, the facility definitely isn’t anywhere near as fancy, but my horse can actually breathe… that counts for a lot.

Granted, the Prelim at Coconino is no joke. They have a weldon’s wall there that has haunted my nightmares for years, and the terrain, shadows, and woods make the course even more challenging. Also, clearly I wouldn’t be running Prelim on back to back weeks. Way too much for my horse’s legs. I’m thinking maybe just do a CT the first week, or a dressage test and a jumping round, school that stupid weldon’s wall in between weeks (mostly for my sake, let’s be honest), and then run the full Prelim on week 2. So the thought right now is to keep working through the spring, do lots of schoolings, fill in some gaps, do more jumper classes, and then go to Coconino.

That’s the rough plan right now, but of course things could and probably will change to some degree. We are already qualified for AEC’s this year but there’s no way I’m running my horse in humid Kentucky at the end of hot/humid August, so that’s completely off the table. We’ll worry about the fall season after Coco, if all that works out as I’m hoping.

It might be a bit of a slow year for us, horse show wise, but I’m totally okay with that. Right now the goal is growth and improvement… the other stuff can come later.